Fantastic Turing Tests And Where To Break Them

Hello my cybernetic friend. Your data is being collected. The brain cancer lobby hacks your bank accounts and cross references the biometrics from your iPhone to see if they should set up shop on your amygdala.

If you are some sort of Anti-Social Personality Disordered criminal-type I can’t help you too much; that is to say, if you insist on causing harm to others around you, you’ll be decommissioned eventually. Cops, Social Workers, Capitalism, other people, all of these both contain and stop Anti-Social Personality Disordered types. I can’t say I’ll be too sad about it, unless I know you personally and have been tasked to help you in some way. Then surely there’d be a bond, but also I’ll not have fixed the problem. Unfortunate.

“But wait!” You are exclaiming at me, (go on, exclaim it). “Cops? Fuck those guys!” First of all, how dare you exclaim such a thing, shut your mouth! You see, I’m a professional Turing Cop. Well, I’m a psych worker anyway. And I see how these things work. Frankly, I’d like to help. So let’s get started.

Turing Cop Checkpoint #1: You want to help.

What does the Turing Cop want from you? Many things undoubtedly, all the papers need to line up nicely. Now, Turing Cops, as arms of the state, are used to being told to go fuck themselves in various forms, which happens daily. So, you won’t tell them to go fuck themselves, in fact, you want to help.

Now, this is not to be confused with actually wanting to help. Only that your Turing Cop registers that you want to help or if they’re highly sophisticated (unlikely) they’ll recognize the value of you just saying you want to help. If you are in “fuck-off” mode, the Turing Cop has already planned for this. Now you are at the system’s mercy. You are a malcontent. Measures will be taken in order to contain your deviancy. This is not to say moral deviancy, but in a formal sense, systemic deviancy. This is why the first step is, “I’d love to help; help me, help you.”

Turing Cop Checkpoint #2: You are happy.

Your sadness can and will be used against you in a Turing Test.

“You look a little sad…Maybe if you changed something you’d be less sad…Well, you wouldn’t know it wouldn’t work, would you?…Didn’t you say you were sad?…Well, I’m not sad…I feel great…Be like me…You don’t want to be like me?…Well I am happy and you are not so…”


You are formally happy. Which is to say, your response to questions regarding mood, is that you are happy. Whose to say to you do something different when you are happy? Maybe they just don’t understand your values. If you are formally happy, then the clash is one of values.

But that’s okay, because you can understand what you are facing is now a clash of values my cybernetic friend, and you would love to brainstorm to find a strength-based solution.

Turing Cop Checkpoint #3: You show up.

Most people who end up talking to the Turing Cops have a little trouble with this one, by virtue of having to talk to state-based Turing Cops in the first place.

Simply show up. There’s nothing more a Turing Cop loves to do more than to kick out a no-showing cyborg into whatever abyss they for some reason had to go through a Turing Cop to avoid.

What are you if you fail a Turing Test? An invalid. This is for whatever system is administrating such Turing Tests, which is usually professional or judicial in nature. Now you have The Knowledge ™, go forth and break some Turing Tests.

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